Cute Animals You Should Never Pet

We know it’s hard to turn down the pot belly of a baby hippo and the dog-like appearance a dingo has, but these wild animals are not your friends. They have secret secretions that ooze with venom and 4-inch talons that’ll slice your skin. Even the sloth doesn’t want to be pet! Just be warned – These animals will kill you with cuteness… literally.

Koalas

Contrary to popular belief, koala bears are neither cuddly nor kind. These tree creatures may be deceptively adorable but they’re known to chase and attack when provoked, and are likely to claw your eyes if they feel threatened. The human population mistakes them for bears, but they’re actually marsupials – close relatives of the kangaroo and the wombat. Marsupials are not meant to be coddled and pet, even though it’s hard to resist using baby talk when you see them at the zoo. Perhaps their extra set of reproductive organs is the reason for their startling aggression.

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Platypus

The platypus is the most interesting animal hybrid. It’s a clear-cut combination of the duck and the beaver, except it has assassin-like tendencies. The platypus may be kind of cute, especially when it’s a baby, but did you know that their retractable claws are poisonous? The platypus species are endangered thanks to climate change, although, they’re putting up a good fight in the wild. The spurs on their hind legs also sprout venom as a defense tactic and if sprayed, you’ll most likely end up crippled and in the hospital.

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Slow Loris

We know – it’s extremely hard to resist the “come hither” puppy dogs eyes and small embrace of a slow loris. However, these little cutie-patooties can kill you if they so choose to. They possess secret glands in their elbows laced with venom and if they lick the toxic juice up, they can transfer it their target with a simple bite. On the bright side, you can poisonous bite from a slow loris is only fatal if you’re allergic to the toxin. But, do you really want to take the chance of finding out? It’s like playing a really adorable version of Russian roulette.

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Hedgehog

For some reason, the fact that hedgehogs pose a serious threat to the health of humans hasn’t stopped us from keeping them as pets. Same goes for cats, but we can discuss that one later. The quills of a hedgehog can easily penetrate the skin’s surface, and in doing so, inject us with a bacteria that leads to a flu-like illness. Symptoms include fever, stomach pain, and rash. Hedgehogs probably won’t prick you unless they feel threatened, but keep in mind, they’re like miniature porcupines with the skills of a silent ninja if need be.

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Leopard Seals

Leopard seals are deep sea killers. They’ve been known to decapitate penguins, drown humans, and have very few predators out in the wild. They’re solitary creatures who only appear to be happy, luring in their prey with underwater melodies and they’re sweet. unsuspecting smiles. As much as we wish we could cuddle a leopard seal, it would probably mean sacrificing ourselves to the God of the sea. They’re predatory by nature and dare we say, a little evil inside. They like to develop their hunting skills by playing with prey before they actually kill it. They’re the 2nd largest seal in the marine world and their only competition for top predator spot in the Antarctic is the killer whale.

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Beavers

Beavers can get angry, and you won’t like them when they’re angry. The little pot-belly fur balls shouldn’t be messed with if you come across them in the wild – those two front teeth of theirs are sharp enough to slice through any human limb and can puncture an artery (if they chomp down in the right spot). Beavers are usually timid and will at first, shy away from a human in its natural habitat. However, they’re extremely territorial over their land and their families and will attack without hesitation if they need to. Just don’t try and be friends with a wild beaver, okay?

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Polar Bears

This next segment could apply to any species of bear in the world, but let’s focus on white, fluffy polar bears that seem to be everyone’s favorite model for a stuffed toy. To be blunt, polar bears are psychotic. They’re more curious than a cat, more aggressive than a leopard seal (yikes!), and oh, so very dangerous when you combine these two characteristics. Polars are the most carnivorous species of the bear family and will eat anything in their path. They can also outrun a human, even if you’re Usian Bolt.

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Giant Ant Eaters

We know they look fairly docile, but giant ant eaters are aggressive by nature. While they won’t necessarily attack you first, they’ll fight back with a desire to purely win. Their claws are about 4 inches long and can cause fatal bleeding with one slash. Surprisingly enough, they’ve also been known to beat out a jaguar or puma in a fair fight. They stand on their back legs to reach their full height and us their long, wide tails for balance. That’s a shame. We wanted to strap a saddle on one and play horsie.

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Kangaroos

If there had ever been a boxing match between Mohammed Ali and a kangaroo, the kangaroo would have won. Those Australian marsupials are a scary type of fierce. Kangas pack a mean punch but the real threat lies in their hind legs. Not only are they incredibly strong, but their toenails are long and as sharp as a beaver’s teeth – this is the kangaroo’s most deadly, secret weapon. Their nails are so sharp, that they’re frequently used to disembowel their predators and enemies. Have you ever seen a kangaroo fight? If you haven’t you should; they’re better than watching the MMA.

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Wolverines

Some of you might be thinking “wolverines are real?” and others might be saying “Well, yeah. Obviously, wolverines are dangerous.” – We bet you didn’t know how cute they were, though! Wolverines are the most dangerous wild animal to a human. They weigh up to 60 pounds in size and aren’t threatened by larger animals; they can attack anything at least 4 times their size. Wolverines also have a speed of 30 miles per hour – faster than most humans and almost as fast as an alligator. If you going coming in Northern Europe make sure all your meat is wrapped up. You don’t want to experience the deep cut of a wolverine’s claws and teeth.

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Ostrich

The Ostrich is far more vicious than you could ever imagine. They may appear to be whimsical, beautiful creature (something like the bird version of our Victoria’s Secret supermodels), but they have no interest in letting you into their V.I.P. section. Their weapon of choice is their long legs and their 4-inch, sharp talon on each foot. They’re likely to outrun you and if they did, they’ll enjoy sitting on you first before puncturing your organs. A word of advice, don’t try to feed the ostrich if you see one. In fact, slowly walk away without breathing too much.

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Bottle Nose Dolphins

All dolphins are humans best friend, right? Wrong. This particular species of dolphin, the Bottle Nose, can traumatize you for life if you get on their bad side. These specific dolphins are actually a special breed of sadists; the males especially, have been known to stalk swimming couples and attempt to “intimately engage” with the human female of the pair. Even better – male bottle nose dolphins will kill the human male just to win the competition for the lady in waiting. Makes you think twice about paying truckloads of cash to go swimming with these things, right?

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Giant Panda Bears

The Giant Panda Bear appeals to the human population because of its most adorable characteristics. The soft fur, the black circled eyes, and their big huge bellies that remind us of a fluffy pillow. The problem with trying to cuddle these beary creatures is that their strength isn’t just massive in their muscles, it’s in their jaws. The bite of a carnivorous panda is enough to produce fatal bleeding. The giant panda can chomp right through the body part of their choice and if you’re lucky to get stitched back up, you’ll never look the same again.

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Sea Otters

Sea otters are insane, and we don’t mean insanely cute. Okay, they are insanely cute, but you know what we’re trying to tell you. The average otter won’t bother you unless you invade its territory. To put it simply, they’re known to make meals of alligators they’ve killed themselves and will attack you for the same reason they did them. A sea otter’s teeth are crushing and their claws are razor sharp. Did you know they can swim up to 8 miles per hour? And that’s nothing – on dry land, they’re as quick as 18 miles per hour.

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Chimpanzees

Sure, chimps can be trained and have a helpful hand in science for plenty of decades. This doesn’t mean you should befriend a chimp in the wild and assume that he cares about your well-being in return. They’re very smart and social animals, but they are primitive. They have large teeth is used to tell unwelcome company when they should exit their presence and they’ve been known to throw a violent fit when they’re displeased. Attempting to pet (and domesticate, for those of you dream of it) a chimp is not a good idea.

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Dingoes

We don’t know how to stress this one enough: A dingo is not a dog! It is not anything your pet puppy Fido and it is definitely not meant for domestic breeding. A dingo is a wild, feral, and disease carrying animal that is more closely related to a wolf than your golden labradoodle is. A dingo is all about the fight, not even the hunt. They run in packs and they don’t care if they gang up on you. Yes, they’re gorgeous. Yes, they look just like your childhood pal Sparky. Go to the pound and play with those puppies there instead. Please, we beg you.

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Red Fox

You’re probably wondering what makes the red fox more dangerous than the average one. Well, to answer your question, red foxes are carriers of rabies and they often perceive small children and family pets as prey. While it’s true that most wild foxes aren’t interested in interacting with humans, they pose a threat to anyone who thinks it’s okay to interact with them. It’s best to let them be and face the fact that the contents of your trash cans will end up on your front yard.

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Puffer Fish

It’s really hard to resist pinching the cheeks of little puffer fish. But did you know that these big fluffy cheeks make the puffer fish second most poisonous vertebrate on the planet? If you’re bitten by one, the venom from teeth with paralyze your diaphragm and you’ll suffocate to death. It only takes one of these little guys to kill a group of 30 adults (that’s how much poison he contains!). The exact type of poison in his puffy cheeks is called tetrodotoxin and it’s 1,200 times more dangerous than cyanide. We hope we didn’t ruin fishing for you.

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Moose

If you see a moose smiling at you, it’s only because he’s imagining your reaction when he begins to charge at you. The moose is more dangerous than your average woodland creature because they’re so common to encounter – and still as dangerous as ever. If provoked, a moose will aggressively charge towards you with those big antlers head first. When we say provoke, we mean everything in range from breathing too loud to trying to pet his pretty head. If you come across one on a dirt trail, simply walk around him and don’t make contact.

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Poison Dart Frogs

If you’ve got a thing for amphibians, make note that the poison dart frog shouldn’t be on your hit list. They look cute and harmless enough when they’re just hanging out in the woods, but the name poison dart frog should clue you in on what they’re capable of. The frog’s skin secretes a venom that paralyzes and often kills its predators, including you. Their bright, brilliant colors are their disclaimer, warning predators and unsuspecting humans that he shouldn’t be touched and that’s he way more dangerous than you’d expect him to be.

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Big Cats

This one may speak for itself, but you’d be surprised at how many people still want (and try) to pet a baby big cat cub. Big cats, no matter the species, are natural born killers. They’re instinctually violent and their rage only grows greater with age. Big cats that are kept in captivity are the angriest of all; the lack of opportunity to hunt makes them target young children from behind the glass casing. A big cat being held hostage at a zoo isn’t pacing back and forth to show off its beautiful coat. He’s doing it because he’s stalking your child, mistaking him or her for prey.

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Praire Dogs

Praire dogs are so cute and small… how could they be dangerous to touch? Because they’re a common food source for many predators (coyotes, eagles, badgers, etc.), they get quite jumpy and tend to be a bit snippy. They don’t make the best pets, regardless of their intelligence and social nature, because they’re big on biting to protect themselves. If you do get bitten by a prairie dog, it’s important to remember that they’re still carriers of the bubonic plague disease that wiped out half of Europe. If that isn’t enough to deter you from this cute critters, take into account their sharp claws. They’re quick, clever, and good at cutting.

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Mute Swans

Mute swans are graceful, attractive looking creatures. While they may be nice to look at it, they definitely don’t want to be a wildlife spectacle for you to witness. Mute swans, in particular, are notoriously aggressive and territorial, especially when it comes to the human population. They attack a person or predator that invades their personal space or attempts to go near their young and nesting areas. A mute swan isn’t intimidated by size, either – they’re known to attack full-size boats if they get too close for the swan’s comfort.

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Elephant

There is no other animal on dry land that is bigger than the elephant. Wild elephants are known to attack villages, especially if their young males, seeking a way to release their internal aggression. The massive weight of an elephant can crush a human in an instant, therefore, it’s best to stay out of the way if you notice when one is upset or angry. We wouldn’t suggest trying to get up close and friendly with one of these beautiful creatures, unless it’s a state fair and there are trainers present.

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Hippos

Hippos are the most dangerous mammal in Africa. Their size alone should be enough to make you afraid of them, but to adrenaline junkies out there who can’t resist the urge to pet this big bullies, be warned. Their teeth are so large that they have extra cavities in their head to accommodate their size and the amount of space they need. Mother hippos are easily provoked if they feel that their babies in danger; they won’t hesitate to attack with intent to kill. The “river horse” is easily startled and becomes aggressive in the blink of an eye.

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Cassowary

Who doesn’t love a big, colorful bird? We definitely don’t. We first warned you about ostriches, now it’s time to talk about the cassowary. One of the largest birds in existence and the most dangerous one on Earth, the cassowary can disembowel you with its attack mode. It can jump one meter into the air and has 12 cm talons that can sever a person’s arm off in one swift, slash. If you plan on visiting Australia and come across a great cassowary, don’t turn your back on it – it will definitely kill you. Face it and slowly back away.

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Two-Toed Sloths

Two-toed sloths aren’t actually that nice – they’re just completely apathetic. The average two-toed sloth may be slow (and make for a hysterical internet meme), but if their mood changes from apathetic to annoyed or angry, those large claws can maul you good. If you encounter a three-toed sloth in the wild, you’re luck! Those guys are friendly and will probably enjoy a good hug. So, how do you tell the difference between the different sloths? It’s easy: Sloths with three claws are okay to cuddle and sloths with only two claws are the dangerous kind.

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